portraits

This is amazing. I got this link from S. It's old photos from an Arkansas prison 1915 to 1937. As I scramble through the faces stories pop up in my head. What did he do? Why is that photo ripped to pieces? And who taped it back together? Did she kill her husband? Does his loved ones miss him? Is he innocent? I see lives in their eyes. It's weird how portraits of people really can speak to you sometimes.

leaving

"It's easier to leave than to be left behind. Leaving was never my problem..." I'm leaving in half an hour, though I feel like going back to sleep. I'll be back the 28th. Though right now I'd rather just stay here. I'm looking forward to seeing my mother in 6 hours though.
Merry Christmas.

grinchy

I’m leaving tomorrow morning. The ridiculously huge bags are packed. Clothes for a week, exams I have to correct, books, Christmas presents and a jar of newly made delicious fudge. The train will take me 800 kms north and I’ll spend Christmas with my family. So far so good. But… (isn’t there always a “but” about Christmas?) …I’m not looking forward to it. Well, no, that’s not true. I’m looking forward to parts of it. I’m looking forward to the look on my little cousin’s face when he opens his present, and the look on my mother’s face when she opens hers. I’m looking forward to some of the family’s recipes to be prepared and eaten, and to hugging my grandmother. But the rest, I can do without.

I don’t like traveling for two days to spend four days there. I don’t like celebrating Christmas three times in two days. First we’ll go to my uncle’s house and see my two little cousins (and they’re my godsons) and the new puppy, but since one of my little angels is autistic we can’t stay all day, and my grown up cousins are celebrating with their fiancées families… for Christmas eve there is just me, my mum, my aunt and my lovely little grandmother going back to my aunt’s for a quiet night of board games I think. Sometimes it is weird being an only child. Then, on Christmas Day I’m off to my father’s house. Off course I want to meet him and his wife and see my hometown again, but me “coming home” to my old hometown is complicated. I must admit it’s not all anticipation going home. There’s a healthy chunk of anxiety mixed in with that.

Anyway, it’ll be fine, and I’ll be fine, but right now I would almost rather curl up under a blanket, and not come out until after Christmas. That feeling will pass I’m sure, and I will have a nice Christmas, and me and my mother will have another magical midnight walk in the cold, quiet and white Christmas Eve and talk about nothing and everything…

I just found out S will be alone over Christmas and it breaks my heart. Isn't it just stupid that a silly little thing like the Atlantic Ocean should be able to come between him and me spending Christmas together? Don't you think? I'll be thinking of him though.

And I’m back in Gothenburg the 28th and I’ll tell you all about how it went. And then there is J coming home, and new years eve and a whole bunch of stuff to look forward to...

Merry Christmas my friends and remember that after all… it’s just a stupid holiday. Right?

reinstalled

I’ve badly needed to reinstall my computer for quite some time now. It’s finally done, but not without complications of course. I bought a new hard drive too, and I now have 200 wonderfully empty Gigabytes to fill with more words, images, music and more of me. I look forward to it. The biggest computer related problem I have left is reinstalling all the software. It turns out I’ve lost a couple of serial numbers, and I need help with the configurations for my homepage domain to be able to post stuff there. Plus, my guestbook on my website was hacked and all my friends who want to leave a message are joyfully greeted by the “kinky ass shit-“ (or something like that) –webpage. Wonderful…

On the bright side, all the complications have left me with a whole lot of new knowledge about computers and a better office pack than the one I had. And as Word is like an addiction, that feels good. Photoshop is working too and that’s a relief, since these (insert cursing) illustrations aren’t completely done yet. No, don’t get me wrong, I’ve enjoyed doing them, but creating on demand is tough.

What else? Well… S went AWOL on me. I didn’t hear anything for three days though I left like ten messages. I’ll probably embarrass him by writing about it here, but he deserves it. I was worried sick. He’s fine though, as I finally got hold of him this morning and seeing and hearing him again was wonderful! It felt as if someone lifted a very heavy stone off my chest, I’ve been so worried! I sure hope he gets that by now; that I care enough to worry. And S… will you please care enough to not give me any reason to worry like that. Thank you.
As I talked to him this morning I watched him open the Christmas gift I sent him, and it was appreciated. I’m glad. And the brown and white one was the best by far. And I’m sorry I didn’t make them myself Mandy… I’m just not as good at that as you are.

The happiest parts of my life right now are my friends. No doubt about it. Friends that call and care. Friends like Jch that lend me their scanner and spends a whole night making it work here. I am ever so grateful. It saved a lot of my mental health and time. And then there is the band – a new and very bright spot in my life.
And then there is my sister J. The 14th of December was the one year anniversary of mine and J’s friendship. I can’t believe it’s only been one year! And she sent me flowers! The card said “Happy anniversary babe” and I cried. That I have friends like that in my life... I’m lucky. I know.

This turns out to be a rather long post with mostly boring information for most of you. I’m sorry about that, but this is my life and my blog so… tough. I never promised I’d only write about love camels. I hope to post something happier soon though.

smorgasbord

The next Harry Potter movie will be a veritable smorgasbord (yes it is a Swedish word originally). Me and J will slide out of that movie theatre moaning. What is a girl supposed to do when she sees a cast like this: Gary Oldman (Sirius Black), Alan Rickman (prof. Snape), Ralph Fiennes (Lord Voldemort) and Jarvis Cocker as a member of the band Weird Sisters. And then there is Ron who doesn't want to tap dance for the spiders. Bring it ON!

christmas bliss(ter)

I wrapped some presents yesterday and they are beautiful! I use black paper and black string, but with the red wax seal holding a straw heart or star and a red label it looks festive and sofisticated at the same time. However, yesterday I managed to drip some wax on my finger and it hurts. The blister makes me think of bubble wrap, and it's hard not to pop it. I went to bed yesterday with a band aid holding an ice cube to my finger.
Anyway, I finished Douglas Coupland's "Hey Nostradamus" today and it's great. I'm buying another Coupland next time I see a book store.
Now, the candles are lit and Sunday Evening with the Sketch Pad has officially begun. I need to get these drawings done, though I hate creating stuff on demand.
Wish me luck!

love camel

I'm a singer in a little band. We have only rehearsed three times yet, but we already have a lot of fun. Our guitarrist is one of my best friends, but the other two I don't know all that well, yet. So yesterday we went out for a get-to-know-each-other-beer. We had so much fun! And our bass player taught me a new expression: Love Camel.

A love camel stores love and positive thinking and can draw strength from a compliment he or she heard days ago. A love camel builds a confidence of it's own from the simple fact that one should savour the positives and forget about the negatives. The last few years I've been something of a "love shark" - I hunt down the love and rip it to pieces, claiming that I enjoyed it. But then every loving thought is very short, and every negative thought is what I actually give myself time to digest. I will try and break this pattern and store som love in me.

I want to be a love camel.

bottled friendship

I found a bottle on my balcony yesterday, and inside it was a piece of paper, as if someone stranded on a desert island had managed to toss his or her cry for help all the way up there... But it wasn't from some cast away. It was a letter from a friend, and the contents was one of those messages that tell me that I have friends that really understand me. I am so thankful! How many of you get thoughtful letters thrown up onto your balconies?

ignorance

The ignorance of some people in this world really scares me. S gave me this link, and I wish it was a joke... though it isn't.

just a thought

I wonder what would happen if I let myself really fail once. Not just in my head, but for real. Just fall through all the cracks and just... not make it. I wonder who would be more disappointed in me; me or the rest of the world? I'm guessing me.
I'm sick of my high standards right now...

we'll see.

A crazy week has passed me by in such high speed my memories of it still feel blurry. I hope they'll settle and sort them selves out, because I don't want to forget this week, ever. My friend-soulmate-sister-nobodylikeherintheworld J has been here, and the world just seems brighter when she's around. Not just because she's amazing in herself, but because she makes me amazing. I never had a friend complete me before, but she sort of does. We keep saying the same thing at the same time, one look is enough to read the other's mind... I think you get the picture.

We have been laughing, singing, giggling, recording ridiculously funny party collections for the party we were at Saturday, watched Harry Potter and Love Actually just for the sake of Alan Rickman (a.k.a. the Voice)... and just loved each other.


But there has been two non-J related cases of Fabulous Times this week too. Tuesday I got to open a debate presenting a workshop I have done with kids about architecture, to set the tone for the discussion afterwards. It was a discussion about how to make it possible for teenagers and children to participate in the decisions made about their city. In urban planning as well as in political decisions. The guests invited were as diverse as two city politicians, architects and urban planners, a professor in architecture, two 16y old boys from "the projects", two 17y old girls from the soon-to-be-formed youth counsil of Gothenburg... And it went WELL. Both my performance and the fact that the politicians actually seemed to say "we'll try harder" which is a lot!

Magic moment number two was last Thursday, when I was supposed to accompany my mentor to this conference about architecture and didactics. It went amazingly well! I was supposed to be there as a visitor/ spectator, but as my mentor was invited at the last minute to lecture at this thing, she took the opportunity to present me as part of the future in this subject! And now I'm probably getting payed for having been up on stage for three minutes presenting my book (of which I sold 10!) As you can see, this could mean a huge deal for my future and that's exiting!
I just ordered a second printing of another 100 copies of my little book today, and that feels amazing!

I should probably say something about the party I was at this Saturday too... I came home and called Canada... twice. Leaving two very improvised and weird messages on an answering machine that apparently didn't work, so he never got them. I wonder if that's a lucky twist of fate or not? It's safe to say I drank too much wine though. J kept saying I only was "cute", but I'm not so sure... I don't like me that drunk. I don't like losing control.


Today though... has been a shitty day in many aspects, and a wonderful day in others. First of all, J is leaving for Norway again, and that just makes me want to cry. Second, I'm in desperate need of security. Economical and emotional, because all these "we'll sees" in my life are driving me mad. But on the other hand I'm so lucky to have friends like J and Jch (whom I also got to see today over a quick coffee), and I'm still so grateful I found S... even though we're in the middle of a weird "I think we misunderstood each other... again"-kind of situation at the moment, it will sort itself out. I'm sure. I just miss him.


But you know... It's the story of my life right now...
We'll see.

first entry

You have been nagging so badly that I felt I had to do something about it. So here it is: a blog.
Not the real thing though. This is a "while waiting"-version.



The thing is I have been promised to be the first user of a new blog template that a couple of friends are developping for a Swedish version of blogger. I am to be their lab-rat to test their template and make it safe for not so competent users to use. I might be addicted to computers, but that doesn't mean they don't still scare me at times. I still consider gray popups that end with an OK-button to be the most irritating thing there is, because most of the time I wish to exchange the button that says "OK" with a button that says "NO you stupid piece of sh**! I don't want you to do anything I haven't specifically asked you to do! For fu**'s sake!" (Ok, the last three words are optional... They were just for emphasis.)
But their idiot proof template for a blog is not yet ready to launch, but I'm getting impatient. Therefore I give you this. A temporary blog. This one will be written entirely in English, while the other one will probably be bilingual, since most of my readers are here in Sweden. This English version is mostly supposed to reach Canada and Birmingham in Britain.



So... until I actually have written something interesting... This is it for now. Just wanted to say I'm getting started. I hope you'll enjoy the ride.