Tuesday, December 21, 2004
I’m leaving tomorrow morning. The ridiculously huge bags are packed. Clothes for a week, exams I have to correct, books, Christmas presents and a jar of newly made delicious fudge. The train will take me 800 kms north and I’ll spend Christmas with my family. So far so good. But… (isn’t there always a “but” about Christmas?) …I’m not looking forward to it. Well, no, that’s not true. I’m looking forward to parts of it. I’m looking forward to the look on my little cousin’s face when he opens his present, and the look on my mother’s face when she opens hers. I’m looking forward to some of the family’s recipes to be prepared and eaten, and to hugging my grandmother. But the rest, I can do without.
I don’t like traveling for two days to spend four days there. I don’t like celebrating Christmas three times in two days. First we’ll go to my uncle’s house and see my two little cousins (and they’re my godsons) and the new puppy, but since one of my little angels is autistic we can’t stay all day, and my grown up cousins are celebrating with their fiancées families… for Christmas eve there is just me, my mum, my aunt and my lovely little grandmother going back to my aunt’s for a quiet night of board games I think. Sometimes it is weird being an only child. Then, on Christmas Day I’m off to my father’s house. Off course I want to meet him and his wife and see my hometown again, but me “coming home” to my old hometown is complicated. I must admit it’s not all anticipation going home. There’s a healthy chunk of anxiety mixed in with that.
Anyway, it’ll be fine, and I’ll be fine, but right now I would almost rather curl up under a blanket, and not come out until after Christmas. That feeling will pass I’m sure, and I will have a nice Christmas, and me and my mother will have another magical midnight walk in the cold, quiet and white Christmas Eve and talk about nothing and everything…
I just found out S will be alone over Christmas and it breaks my heart. Isn't it just stupid that a silly little thing like the Atlantic Ocean should be able to come between him and me spending Christmas together? Don't you think? I'll be thinking of him though.
And I’m back in Gothenburg the 28th and I’ll tell you all about how it went. And then there is J coming home, and new years eve and a whole bunch of stuff to look forward to...
Merry Christmas my friends and remember that after all… it’s just a stupid holiday. Right?