Sunday, July 31, 2005

things that begin with the letter S

- socks shoes slippers and Sanna.

Pictures everyboody! Pictures!

Blogger finally decided to let their Blogger Images work for me, or rather I figured out I had it and didn't need to install anything to use it. Duh. So there'll be more images in this blog from now on! Yay!

I'll use this occasion to introduce a very dear friend of mine: Sanna.

Sanna has been in Germany for six months and is finally back in Sweden again. I've missed her so badly! And now this talented beauty is with all probability off to My City Paris for another six months! And I'm saving up to go to Canada... not Paris... Argh, how money can be such a stupid problem! I want to go to Paris too! But no way I'm screwing up my chances to go to Canada now.
At least I've had the opportunity to enjoy her company for two full days now, and a night out yesterday that was a lot of fun in spite of rain and a stupid little misunderstanding thingie with a loved one.
Anyway, Sanna brought me gifts from Germany. First of all she bought me pig shaped candy in a pink bag with the name Fred Ferkel in bright blue across it. I laughed until I cried. They taste like candy chemicals, but surprisingly good. I haven't taken a picture of the bag yet, but I might even post it. Hilarious.
Furthermore she had bought me these:

As many of you know I'm not a knitter myself, but a mere knitter wannabe (I Will Master Knitting. One Day. Mark My Words.) but for all you knitters out there: Aren't these Fabulous!? I love them! Socks, shoes and slippers in one! When I learn how to knit properly I'm making these for everybody for Christmas!
Thank you Sanna! You truly know me and you truly rock.


This is how close he should be at all times.

Friday, July 29, 2005


I added a counter in my sidebar. It seems I have more readers than I was aware of, which makes me happy. Welcome everybody! I wanted to see just about how many you are out there, without forcing anyone to comment my stuff. Hence the counter. But by all means, please do comment my stuff!

Thursday, July 28, 2005


There are many ways to get tired. I usually read in bed just before going to sleep to add that final touch of heavy eye lids, but there are more efficient ways to get to that near coma state of mind. You could run in wet sand or listen to a parliament’s debate on manure quotas for rural regions far away. You could watch the clouds sail by in a blue sky while lying comfortably in a hammock or you could try to convince a woman with self esteem issues that she doesn’t look fat in velour. All of the above tend to be tiring, but I have, after much research, found the ultimate fatigue. It takes some time and preparation, but you can take my word for it; you will never have felt more tired!

- Take one relatively normal young woman of 26, usually social and outgoing, but with a strong sense of self and need of quality time on her own.
- Throw her into the most emotional experience of her life and let simmer for two weeks.
- When she’s comfortable enough to almost fuse with the other half of the mixture, and the mix feels like the start of a durable entity; mercilessly rip the two halves apart and separate them indefinitely.
- Do not let her catch her breath or relax! Instead you throw her head over heals 450 kms away to pick up her seven year old cousin, and let him stay with her for a week, spending all her money and asking questions continuously. Never let her have more energy left than him.
- Spend the week on boats, amusement parks and adventures she can neither afford nor have energy for, and keep the seven year old wonderful to her so that she loves him with all her heart and happily subdues to all the hardship.
- Keep draining with some memories of those first two weeks whenever she looks strong enough to recover.
- When she finally seems stable enough to juggle her own emotions, a seven year old, work, money and plans for the future; send her for dinner with her ex and his new girlfriend.
- Let the child refuse to sleep until midnight, and the rip him from her the next day.
- Leave her with too much to do in too little time, feeling strangely alone in a chaotic but empty apartment.

And tadaa! Here I am. Exhausted and constantly on the verge of tears, and, to complete the irony, too tired to sleep. If you have a recipe for worse, please don’t share it. I’m going to take it very easy for a few days and enjoy the company of no one but me. I’ve missed me.

Monday, July 25, 2005

coming home

It felt so weird. It felt so good. I was nervous and beside myself standing at the terminal to welcome him. I was finally going to meet Spencer after a year of “what ifs” and “we’ll sees”. This was on June 30 – a Thursday circled in red in my calendar.

The terminal’s design is made for torture. All the arrivals had to walk pass you in a long glass corridor before you actually got to meet them. And there he was. I saw him first, with his back towards me. I knew instantly that it was him. The couple from the ferry he was talking to nodded towards me, apparently asking “Is that her?” and he turned around. Our eyes met.

I must’ve looked funny because I felt myself smiling, while my insides were turning inside out… And there he walked by, having to disappear behind a wall before finally reappearing in the doorway in front of me. And then there he was. And we hugged. I know I hadn’t met him before, but it didn’t feel as if it was the first time at all. It felt as if he came home.

Within a minute, we kissed.

For two weeks I was in his arms, he was in mine, we held hands, we held on, wouldn’t let go. We’ve said the biggest words there are. It’s as if it’s him I’ve been looking for. Those eyes. That smile. Those words. That sense of humour. I haven’t seen them all come together in one person like this before. The other night he said: “Is this what It feels like you think?” It didn’t scare me. I said: “Maybe”.

I could tell you about specific things we did, things we saw, things we said… But I think I’ll make that a separate entry, and I think I’ll do that after I get my computer back (I’m on a borrowed laptop) and can post pictures too. And I already told you about how it felt after saying goodbye in my last entry, and I don’t want to go back to that again. I’m focusing on the time he was here and on smiling about all the good things we felt, but I still miss him so much it hurts.

Sometimes it’s as if I still wait for it to hit me. I stand beside myself watching all this happen to us. I tell you about it and I feel as if I’m telling you about a movie I saw. If this was a movie, I wouldn’t be surprised if Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks played the leading parts (Oh Dear!). It’s that cheesy, touchy-feely, repulsing in all its smooching romance… But then I realise I’m talking about me, and it feels all weird inside. Good weird.

For all you out there who are sure you have It. How is It supposed to feel? Is this what It feels like? Too good to be true?

And yet, there is so much not so brilliant about this. I live in Sweden; he lives in Canada for one thing… But I need to figure this out, so I’m going to Canada for Christmas, and the next five months will be the longest in history.

Zak: Thank you.
Mandy: You rock.
Spencer: I love you.

Saturday, July 16, 2005


I'll try and tell you all about it, but right now it's all just empty.
It is a fairytale worth telling, but not just yet.

He left yesterday and all my words tend to be about missing, rather than other more pleasant feelings and happy memories that I do want to tell you about. Because it felt just as right as I didn't dare dream it would, and it is just as complicated as I have already told you, and therefore I can't find the words for any fairytale right now. Not just yet.

I am smiling talking about him again, so the words might be on their way. But not just yet.

Thank you who have been kind enough to tell me you care, or the occasional "yay for you!" - I really appriciate it! (Though I'm crap at answering comments just yet, keep commenting and emailing and I'll be better! Promise!) But please don't ask me how I am just now. Not just yet.

I am not at all right now. Just empty.

Spencer - I miss you. (It weighs alot. ;)

Tuesday, July 05, 2005


I'll be back to blog eventually. I'm just wrapped up in real life so much, trying to live as much as I can in two weeks. Let me just tell you all that I'm happy, happier, not enough words... (...and worried about the future - later) and that the fairytale is leaning much more to the happily-ever-after than anything else at the moment. Though it all feels surreal so I don't know what to think really. If I had expectations though - this wasn't it, and this exceeds it.

I love him.