Monday, July 25, 2005

coming home

It felt so weird. It felt so good. I was nervous and beside myself standing at the terminal to welcome him. I was finally going to meet Spencer after a year of “what ifs” and “we’ll sees”. This was on June 30 – a Thursday circled in red in my calendar.

The terminal’s design is made for torture. All the arrivals had to walk pass you in a long glass corridor before you actually got to meet them. And there he was. I saw him first, with his back towards me. I knew instantly that it was him. The couple from the ferry he was talking to nodded towards me, apparently asking “Is that her?” and he turned around. Our eyes met.

I must’ve looked funny because I felt myself smiling, while my insides were turning inside out… And there he walked by, having to disappear behind a wall before finally reappearing in the doorway in front of me. And then there he was. And we hugged. I know I hadn’t met him before, but it didn’t feel as if it was the first time at all. It felt as if he came home.

Within a minute, we kissed.

For two weeks I was in his arms, he was in mine, we held hands, we held on, wouldn’t let go. We’ve said the biggest words there are. It’s as if it’s him I’ve been looking for. Those eyes. That smile. Those words. That sense of humour. I haven’t seen them all come together in one person like this before. The other night he said: “Is this what It feels like you think?” It didn’t scare me. I said: “Maybe”.

I could tell you about specific things we did, things we saw, things we said… But I think I’ll make that a separate entry, and I think I’ll do that after I get my computer back (I’m on a borrowed laptop) and can post pictures too. And I already told you about how it felt after saying goodbye in my last entry, and I don’t want to go back to that again. I’m focusing on the time he was here and on smiling about all the good things we felt, but I still miss him so much it hurts.

Sometimes it’s as if I still wait for it to hit me. I stand beside myself watching all this happen to us. I tell you about it and I feel as if I’m telling you about a movie I saw. If this was a movie, I wouldn’t be surprised if Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks played the leading parts (Oh Dear!). It’s that cheesy, touchy-feely, repulsing in all its smooching romance… But then I realise I’m talking about me, and it feels all weird inside. Good weird.

For all you out there who are sure you have It. How is It supposed to feel? Is this what It feels like? Too good to be true?

And yet, there is so much not so brilliant about this. I live in Sweden; he lives in Canada for one thing… But I need to figure this out, so I’m going to Canada for Christmas, and the next five months will be the longest in history.

Zak: Thank you.
Mandy: You rock.
Spencer: I love you.


jodi said...

Yes. Too good to be true is exactly how it feels. And the feeling never goes away, not really.

I too will be away from the one I love until Christmas (although we may be able to fit in one weekend visit). I'm not pretending it's the same; you and Spencer have had so little time together, while we've had more than a decade. But I'll tell you what I keep telling myself: the time will pass quickly.

Dani said...

The way you wrote about your feelings made me feel them, too. I haven't been moved by someone's writing in a while, so thank you for sharing it.

Josse said...

Puss du.

Spencer said...

I can't believe you think I'm a Tom Hanks kind of guy...


Mandy said...

I second what Jodi said - the "too good to be true" doesn't go away. I still can't believe my luck.
I can't get enough of hearing about this from you and Spencer. I love you both, and I am so happy that you have found each other. I can't wait to finally meet you at Christmas!

Rachael said...

You know, I think the perfect West Coast trip would include a trip down to SF, right?

I am so freaking happy for you. Yes, when it's right, it's this good. A year into mine, it's better all the time, which is absolutely unbelievable. We are amazed by each other every single day.

Oh, the best! So glad for you, honey.